And so I begin my blog with nothing on my mind. But I'm not supposed to stop writing till I reach three pages. Let's see what I can purge from myself today.



My boyfriend told me he used to have this impression that my hostility is a lifestyle for me. That, like a fad, it's something I live in order to sound cool. I wanted to smash the living daylights out of him that day. I do not appreciate having other people explain my behavior. I am not some culture on a petri dish one would observe over a period of time. I take offense when people tell me, 'Hey, you're nasty now, but I know that there's a really nice and sweet person deep inside'. My answer? No, there is none. This is who I am. And If that's a problem to you, then it's not my ball to throw. Fine, I'm sometimes too hostile and aloof. Aristotle's 'Man is a social animal', does not seem to hold much value anymore. I have grown to become self sufficient and responsible for myself.



I remember the time when I used to always point fingers at others for my blunders. I never really was the type who would admit failure. But the experiences I've had taught me to become more humble and discriminating. Right now, I still do not know what I want, and, maybe, who I am. I am in constant search of my light. Even I, scare myself sometimes.



But enough of that. I'm straying already. Let's go back to my topic.



So..... I'm bitchy because I perceive it a gauge of coolness.



A person's attitude is reflective of her goals. It with the degree of ruthlessness I plan to hold that I am the reputedly snooty person I am. Being nice to everyone is a tedious task. Though I'm civil, that doesn't mean that I would go out of my way to convince myself into believing every word you say. Sure I listen. But that doesn't mean I agree. And so my boyfriend thinks, I am who I am because I think it would make me look good. For all I know, I am being hated for the personality I carry. And I don't care, really. It doesn't matter what other people say. I only get defensive when my parents are involved, that is, when people start judging my parents and how they brought me up, because I'm liberal. That's the only thing that hurts me.



A lot of people do think I'm so cool, but that's their opinion. I did not become myself because I crave the idea of being worshipped or idolized. I chose to be the person I am because I feel that with this I am stronger, and I am able to face my life without flinching at the slightest hint of pain.



What is cool, anyway? How do you measure coolness?



Coolness does not define me. But if you think it does. Then I tell you : You don't find me 'happening'. You just envy me.




*I thank BFboy for that remark. Without it, I never would have thought of anything to write.