Books heal. Last Saturday, I was driving around with a friend just to escape being alone. Not that I didn't like my friend's company, it's just that I would have opted to be somewhere else, with someone else. Anyway, he was more than willing to listen. I was too in despair to even consider writing anything. At times like those, writing doesn't seem much of a therapeutic option. So I go out. With old friends who don't know anything about what has been happening to me. I do so because it wastes more time, because then I will have to get on a longer story about the preliminaries and inciting events that led to my supposed downfall.

Cruising the Ortigas area, we come upon Books for Less. Without anything better to do, we park infront of the school I would never consider my children in, got off the car and walked trudgingly, painstakingly toward the shop which promises quality books at easy-on-the-pocket prices. I remembered walking shelf to shelf with him, not my friend, but him who defines my sunlit days. With that, I felt more alone. True to the strore's name, books were priced less than your average bookshop. Purchasing wouldn't hurt. One book. Two books. Three books. It was at that time, I almost dropped everything I held in my arms. Funny how those bulky books served as substitute for the hug I needed. For the hug he needed more than me. But I content myself with hugging books, knowing that perhaps there will come a time that his grief will make him forget about us. I needed to be used to the solace of books.

They heal, yes. Not because of their content. Last Saturday, the books granted me comfort not because in them were written words of wisdom, or words telling me to move on. I cannot. I do not know if he can. I'd like to believe that he feels the same way I do.

He once told me, "the loneliest time of the day happens right before you go to sleep". Right said, not only do heave with an aching heart and soul, I cry for the loss of lives, the loss of loves, and the loss of faith. I do not know what to do now that the sole reason for OUR non-existence has drifted. Will it lead to our legitimacy? Will it lead to a more compounded meaning with theirs? I pray that I be granted more strength to face whatever it is that will come our way. Because it not just mine, but OURS. It must be hard for him to balance his priorities. But now, things are different. God has made decisions easier now. However, I still fear the days to come.