Revelation

For those who have been following my blogs since Skeletons in My Closet and Make Lemonade, I apologize for posting some entries about love that caused confusion if I was talking about Animator or some other guy. I have been keeping a secret, even from myself, for so long I never had the courage to write about it here. I had an affair with an ex who chose to marry his other ex because she got pregnant. I died after that. Now that it's over, I realized I should not keep hiding from it anymore.

Animator and I are exceptionally fine. I am happy with him; and whatever happened in my past, he has already accepted. When God closes a door, he definitely opens a window. And from mine, I saw Animator ready to shield me from whatever pain and confusion that was boggling my mind, and erase it from my memory.

I will not forget, though. Because what happened caused me shame I never would have imagined would happen to me. I kept another blog for that purpose. And, for the first time, I reveal some its contents.

I hesitated to write here at first for fear that Animator might read it and leave me without hearing an explanation. But now that everything's clear and he has understood, I am not afraid of it anymore.

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Monday, December 22, 2003 (final entry)

He was brought to me amid the heartache from a previous love and the loneliness wrought by the solitary Christmas Eve. Now, as one year has passed since we first met, I recall the numerous times I shed tears for him. And I see how infinite they are compared to the rare moments I was truly happy in his presence.

Somewhere in the middle of the year, I lost him to another. My pride I swallowed and my sanity I struggled to keep, I kept on seeing him. Though I knew it was a sin against God and against society's entrapments. Love, as I knew it, was powerful enough to transcend boundaries. And I kept meeting him, in dark, obscure places, in hidden, secure corners. While the rest of the lovers made their happiness known. For him, I kept my love secret.

And so we danced among shadows. Glided until our feet could not move any longer. We then stopped and stared, hands clasped at the people whizzing past, thankful that despite conditions, we were together. That we tried to make our lives' flowers bloom even without the sun.

Today, I found out everything had been a lie. Whatever the reason is, it could not expel the fear and anger within me. I knew that it had to end somewhere. Yes, maybe, it has to end here and now. Because it has all been too much. And the lies have been bred, multiplied and intertwined so expertly I cannot distinguish which are truths anymore.

Perhaps it's best this way. That we fought and learned and fought and learned too many times the lessons became part of our souls. This is probably the closure we both needed from the pain of the first lashing of fate's whip. I console myself with the idea that I am but 22 years old and many things are ahead of me.

But I can't help but feel sorry for him, sometimes. For his hope hangs by a thin piece of string. And, in time, it will all be gone and he will be left alone in the world he tried to create; just so I would stay.

It is over. I can attempt to take a step further, but this is as far as I can go.