MONGGI-SPEAK

When I speak, a flood of unrelated, incoherent words escape my mouth; results of a cluttered, wandering mind. But when I write, everything falls into place and comes full circle. Have I spent too much time writing, to develop my aptitude for impressive speech?

During my high school days, I was considered one of the best speakers in school. Teachers would commend my diction, breadth and clarity, while classmates would praise my pronunciation and candor. When I stepped into the State U, I knew very little of the Tagalog language. Once, twice, I was pushed to the sidelines because I couldn't speak straight Filipino, knowing only how to deliver Davao-style Tagalog, with constant "gani", "gyud" and "lagi" insertions. Wanting to fit in and get noticed, I tried learning the language the people around here deem so superior to any other tongue. I absorbed it. Adapted to it. Lived it. I had no choice.

In the process, I lost my real self – the person who flawlessly breezed through any English contest. Now, what I am, in speech, is the total opposite of what I am, in writing. And it depresses me.

I try to formulate theories as to why word-fumbling happens when I talk. If I were a great speaker before, I surely couldn't have just made it disappear, right? What could be the reason behind this? Sometimes, I think it's because I constantly try to level with other people's capacity for coherent and competent speech. Yes, most of the time, I admit, I underestimate the person I'm talking to, or I don't think he or she is one who can be at par with my line or speed of thinking. I know it's not right for me to lay the blame on my increasingly impaired oral facility on other people. It's just that I can't find any substantial and believable reason why this is happening to me. Is it because I am too conscious of the things I say? Or too careful to blurt out something that would shock people? Or that I am, I hate to say, a braggart by nature?

I wish to be in the company of my old, English speaking friends even for just a while so I can exercise my rusting skills. I need to if I want to live on with my profession.

Or it could be that there's really nothing wrong and I am just too hard on myself.
Bomalabs. Yeah I'm blabbering existential bull again. This is what happens when you work more than you sleep. Don't try this at home.