From somewhere

Narcissus didn't die because he was vain; he truly was beautiful. He died because he couldn't swim.

How do you face a dilemma that boils within yourself? Is it curable by medication? By regular conversations to anyone who will listen? What if that thorn, located somewhere inside it seems impossible to point, has drilled itself in too deeply to be recovered? How do you seek triumph over something that no one else has seen and only you can feel?

There you go

The book project is not pushing through. Apparently, the publisher doesn't update you on royalties and they don't pay you what you rightfully deserve. So I'm shelving that for now. I'm hoping to use the information I gathered on an article or, maybe, if Fate permit, a book published here in the Philippines.

There are so many things to do, so many things to accomplish. That's why she and I are going on a much needed trip to this city. Why? Because we just want to. But, admittedly, to escape. From what, I can tell you a million reasons, and so can she.

I can decide to turn back and continue living in a world with the same faces, the same cab ribes, same old freaking routines.

But I have a choice. And I choose not to.

Here's to spontaneity!

And then she told me to call her "Tita"

Dealing with my boyfriends' mothers has always been a breeze for me. I would magically entrance them with my charms and transformed into the daughter they wish they had. This, my pretties, is genuine attitude. I might have to add that there is no pretense involved in this endeavor. (Defensive ba?)

However, as I was forewarned by Animator's relatives, even Animator himself, his mother was not somebody I would want to mess with. If she didn't like me, I would have to crawl and dig my fingers into the earth to gain affection. Countless times prior to her visit, I witnessed various impersonations of the so-called Dark Overlord. How she huffed, how she rolled her eyes and how her voice turns shrilly and sharp, bordering on staccato, when she absolutely abhors you. And, yes, she even notices the slightest dirt on your fingernails.

My knees knocked the first time I met her.

Contrary to popular belief, the Dark Overlord wore a cheery expression on her face and even kissed my cheek. Details of this I already recounted on a previous blog entry. First base.

Yesterday, I mommy-sat for Animator. He told me the night before if I had the time to accompany his mom to go shopping. Not that he wanted to see me burned alive in front of him, I figured it was his way of knowing whether she really liked me or not. A test, probably. I said yes, not knowing why.

I could not take back what I said.

So I spent the entire day with her, just the two of us. She held onto my arm as we strode leisurely around Glorietta 4, her face devoid of that infamous smirk and flanked by a rather youthful glow and a hint of a smile. She told me of her days as a teenager, how her mother used to castigate her so much she decided to get married at 17, her other children in Canada, her grandkids, how her husband hated it when she bought strappy shoes - calling her "alembong", and how she was excited about surprising him with her newly tattoed eyebrows.

The conversation even went as far as how I think about her son. If Animator really had what it takes to make it in the Philippines and how sad she was when he decided to stay here, for good, a couple months back. I kept myself from telling her I was the primary reason for his return. She didn't have to know that. She also told me how proud she was Animator has already learned how to handle his finances, and how humble he has become since he got here. Perhaps, she told me, the reason he returned, after over a decade, was to find himself, explore and discover responsibility and maturity.

I told her that while life is not as good as expected, compared to his life in Canada, he's doing pretty okay. His company has been touched by angels and is preparing to go on a never-sleep campaign toward finishing effects for a weekly show, a couple of commercials, and, soon, international stints for a popular cartoon everybody loved since time immemorial and their own children's show in Singapore.

Her eyes told me she was very proud of her son. It also spoke of how happy she was he chose to be with me. And I chose to be with him.

She insisted on buying me a pair of shoes. I hesitated at the cost, but she was more than willing to splurge on it. I had to agree, yes? I didn't want to sound pakipot. And I DID adore the shoes. I'm wearing them right now.

After that, we went to the salon to have her nails done. Now, you see, vanity was never my thing. I do spend a couple of minutes fixing myself up before work each day, but never did it cross my mind to have my finger and toe nails prettied up. But Mrs Santos, now far from the Dark Overlord persona, said I should get a pedicure at least, to complement my new shoes. Kikay mom. Not kikay girlfriend of son. It's a wacky duo. I had to say "yes" again.

I've never had my feet tampered with before, except for the foot scrub I had about a year back. The pedicurist teased me with having "virgin feet" and that I had tiny toenails. I raised the finished product, all tanned-up, for her to see. For 2 meters away, she gave me a thumbs-up, a huge grin and mouthed "ang ganda, kita mo?"

We walked around the mall some more after that. And I heard more of her stories, most of which I was certain she would never tell a person she just met a week ago. but I was glad she was opening up to me. That she considered me a confidante apart from being her son's girlfriend.

This morning, I received a text message from Animator. "

"My mom is asking kung masakit daw paa mo."

"Nah. I'm okay. It looks fantastic! You should come see it later."

"I'll drop by after my business dinner. :)"

"What else did you mom say? Any comments? Violent reactions?"

"She said you should call her 'tita', not 'ma'am'. :)"

Doubts

Hmmm, it seems the publishing company sponsoring my book is not as reliable as I thought. This piece of information, however, I have yet to confirm with those who have successfully released theirs. I contacted a familiar name from the company's author list. She told me she never got around to finishing hers (she sent it in 2001) because the firm lagged in responding to her questions and other marketing and payment inquiries. Now I'm scared. I emailed one of the authors who has already dealt with them. I'm biting my lip, waiting for his reply.

I remain optimistic that since it's 2004, the company has probably improved operations. Besides, a lot of authors have already published their pieces with them. I can't write something and not get paid for it, especially for this one. I mean, it's not even my dream book! I don't want to go through all the hassle of researching and beating the deadline for nothing.

Anyway, if this fails, i'll still be able to use all your input for another article. so there's really no problem with the information I receive. What I want is answers, though. Does this really work???

Cashing in on a Series of Broken Hearts

Just when I thought my lovelife couldn't get any crazier, considering how many I've gone through and the infinite times I bewailed my plight, a book opportunity comes along. This morning, I received email confirming approval of my proposal to write a book on the travails of a heartache and the paths toward healing wounds. I never really thought I would get a thumbs up on the project. I merely sent my proposal last week, for the hang of it, explaining what I plan to do with the book and who will benefit from it, and, voila!, I got the go signal!

This is cause for celebration, I know. But I can't weed out this gnawing feeling inside of having to recall my past relationships again and, most likely, asking other people to recount theirs. Dwelling on the pain of relationships never was my cup of tea, but if it will spell completion of the book, I'm going to have to give it a shot.

I hope you'd help me answer questions when the time comes. I'm not the only one who's been heartbroken. :) Please leave your email addresses if you wish me to contact you within the week for a series of questions. Thanks so much! I will forever be indebted to all of you.