"Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

Perhaps I should stop whining about things that are not, and start focusing on things that are. In the past days, I've been contemplating leaving my job because I feel so burned out. I keep complaining about why I don't have a stable lovelife. I also keep wondering why, despite the two jobs I hold plus the freelance writing stints I drown myself in, I still don't get to open that stupid bank account at Equitable. Why? Primarily because I don't have money to save. Which is funny, by the way, because I get lotsa moolah every month. The question continually haunts me, "where does all my money go?" For this, i have no answer. I sit on my bed at night, trying to list all the things I spent on but I could not come up with anything significantly costly to create such a big hole on my salary. Hmm.. is it the constant cab rides? the nights out? the splurging on food and writing materials? nakakainis.

Perhaps i should start making a list of the things I should be thankful for:
- my family who unconditionally supports and loves me despite the rebel of a daughter and bitch of sister I am. I am thankful i am loved for the person I am.
- my friends. it's a very short list mind you. they come through for me though they hate my bossy attitude and my sudden bursts of eccentricity, or when i morph back and forth from cowboy girl to conyo kid to whoever. i am grateful for their patience
- my career. though I complain about my hectic schedule, i am showered with a lot of writing opportunities to the point that I do not know which to handle first. a lot of people in my field struggle to earn gigs and here I am juggling one after the other. but that doesn't include the perennial problem of my not meeting deadlines. gemini.
- my outlook toward life. life is good. if only i be more positive toward it.
- my social life. i may not have a boyfriend but at least I have dates lined up. (oo, magbubuhat ako ng sarili kong bangko. i need it to make me feel good about myself)

hmmm... what else? will think about it next time.

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
'cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating life
now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts
my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away
all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
i've been alone all along