I don't know what I'm supposed to feel right now. Yesterday I was fine, but today, there is that gnawing feeling within and the restless desire to just walk absently along the crowded sidestreets of Makati and disappear. I dread having to be away from him indefinitely. This person has become my source of strength and inspiration and everything else that allows me to be a functioning human being. And now, Fate seems to threaten us with his departure. Back to Canada. Possibly, for an unknown period of time.

I don't want to think about it and if it would happen and when. I just know that when he leaves, it will be the end of my smiles. It would be the primary reason I would finally decide to go back to Davao. His mother is in the hospital. She popped a nerve in her brain in what we suspect is aneurysm. We haven't heard from his sisters yet, so we don't know what's happening there. All I know is that when he found out what happened, tears streamed down his cheeks, and I couldn't help but allow mine to do so, as well. I did not know what to say to him. Deep in my heart, I knew she was okay. The mere fact that his sisters were still at work and did not find the extreme urgency to rush out of the office to the hospital gives me confidence that all is well and there is nothing to worry about.

I understand that, if needed, he will have to go back to Canada to be with his parents. Perhaps it's also a sign that I do the same with mine. I'm just so scared to not see him for a while. His face has grazed my every day and allowed me to move forward strongly despite the scratches. But if it has to be done, then it has to be done. And if fate brings us back together again, whether in the Philippines or somewhere else, it will only be then we will prove that we are, indeed, meant for each other.

For now, I pray that things don't have to take a sudden turn. Not just yet. I'm not ready.

Animator thinks we should skip Palawan and head off to my hometown, Davao, instead. I'm a little hesitant as, well, it's not something new to me. And with the mounting pressure that threatens to suffocate me by the day, I need a real change of scenery. I could make the most out of it, though. I mean, the way one sees things could also depend on who you're with. Thinking how crazy the guy could get, it will probably be a new experience. I am compelled to agree.

My grandmother offered that he stay at her house instead of having to rent a hotel room. The fact that my family is so eager to spend time with him freaks me out. Nobody even said a negative comment about him, not even on his whacked sense of humor. Creeeeeeeeeepy. I'm only 22 years old and I'm not ready to walk down that aisle just yet. Knowing him, neither is he. To my family, if you read this (and I hope you don't or I'll die), we are happy where we are right now and if we do decide to tie the knot in the future, you'd be the first to find out. So lay off the rumors, copish? And tell your friends that NO, my bringing Animator to Davao does NOT mean we're getting married this year. Stupid provincial mentality. GRrrrr....

Anyhoo, I don't really know why Animator wants to go to Davao, instead of the nearer Luzon fanta-sites. I can think up three reasons why: 1) He's intrigued with the place since his cousins went there last year and enjoyed the trip, 2) He's in love with family and wants to spend crazy time with them, 3) He wants to save on accommodation and touring expenses, because, knowing my folks, they'd probably spend for everything.

So off we go in May, for an entire weekend, as soon as I get paid with that writing gig. The food and other costs may be covered by my folks, but the 7k round trip plane tickets would have to be placed on our backs. The writer and the artist are poor. Join us in prayer that we'll have enough money soon to get out.

Now I wonder when I'll get to visit Canada.