Big girls don't cry. The loneliness of my weekends makes me reminisce things of the past. Of how we used to wake up at noon, and make love the first thing since slumber, pausing for a while to plant kisses on each other, even forgetting to eat. This morning, I woke up at 8AM suddenly wondering where I am, only for reality to hit me back and tell me, "You're where you're supposed to be. At home. Your home. Not his." I argue with my thoughts, "But home is where my heart and his heart is. And it is with each other. So I am not home. I am just sleeping elsewhere till we find our place together again." I remain positive for our sake. Because love is strong. And everyone will have to accept and understand.

I do still love him. And he does still love me. I do not know where our decisions will take us, but I will make sure I will cherish and value every minute of it.

Written on April 23 on the Cebu Pacific plane trip back to Manila. 5:00 PM

My return is eventful. Yesterday, I struggled to keep my emotions steady. I thought was near a major breakdown. Thinking about it right now, miles above ground, I liken my newfound freedom to flight. Today, I received a sign. Inquirer wants writers. I will go for it. Writing is my release. The paper is my outlet. My passion spells therapy. I am content with what I have now and with the things I know I will have soon. It won't take me 3 years anymore. I'll give it one and then I'm off to somewhere else where intentions are purer.

Funny how my singlehood ushered in new people in a snap. My psychic was right. People from my past will resurface. And I am also set to meet new ones. I'm back in the same ball game, but, now, with strength and prudence. Emotions have become taboo. It's that mind that should prevail from now on.

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I ask myself if I ever did love him as I said I did. There are moments when I count reasons why and they all meet in a single statement. "I love him because he loves me." The statement speaks volumes. Was I inlove with him, or was I fascinated with the thought of being in love? His departure does not hurt much. What crushes me more was that he chose to hide my existence and pretend that I'm a non-entity, and that he left me fat (well, the 2nd one is trivia). But I can manage. It's good to think rationally.

============
He will be in my heart, but not in the jaded/dazzled sense I had when I was with him.

Found a gem in the booksale yesterday. Reading material for the plane back to manila.

Macbeth, Act IV, Scene ii:
Son: Was my father a traitor, mother?
Lady Macduff: Ay, that he was.
Son: What is a traitor?
Lady: Why, one that swears and lies.
Son: And be all traitors that do so?
Lady: Every one that does so is a traitor and must be hanged.
Son: And must they all be hanged that swear and lie?
Lady: Every one.

=========
I pray for a sound mind and an acquiescent heart, so I would be able to walk past life without being hanged.

I have reason to believe that God has awarded me something that would somehow take my pain away. My family is furious. But I hold no anger in my heart. If anything, my knowledge of it has brought a sense of calm to my otherwise chaotic days. It's something grave but I do not feel any fear for my well-being. My family is, though. But my problems are mine, and,though, in time, I WILL be needing their help, I asked for breathing space. To help myself figure out what to do. I am not about to make the same mistakes, for which I have been carrying crosses up to now. Time will tell me if I am doing the right thing. And, If there is needed truth to my/our belief. For now, I wait because I think I am stronger. It will be something I am to lock behind the steel door I managed to build in 3 days. My family will understand my choices, even if this one will contradict their principles.

Man truly is the plaything of the gods.

Life has room for more secrets. And only I will know.

I go through each day trying to control tears from falling. My family has made me feel blessed, loved, and thankful. They give me reason to go on living. To face the next days of my existence at least with a half smile, because I know that though tomorrow does not promise sunshine, I can bear my burden. Because somewhere in this world, I am loved. He might not love me enough to be stronger, but my family does. It is painful and liberating at the same time. I wish things would get better. I know they will. In time, they will. I just hope it's sooner.

This is something I got from the pinoywriters mailing list. It's a piece from Dr. Mike Muin. Considering the pain I am in right now, I would like to share what he wrote. I am hoping you will also learn and start thinking from this story. And from mine.



Departing Angel



Not minding the cold breeze, I opened the window overlooking the city
and barely noticed the myriad of lights flickering in the evening
horizon. The silk curtains danced with the wind, gently brushing against my
arm. I stared blankly into the cloudless night, as my mind wandered to
a small space somewhere behind me.



She had just finished packing. The annoying sound of small personal
belongings placed in their appropriate luggage pockets was terminated by
the slow and deliberate closing of the main zipper. From the corner of
my eye, I could sense her eyes scanning the room-starting from the bed,
to the paintings on the wall, to the flowers, and, finally, to the
framed picture at the bedside table. She picked it up and bid her time
looking at that piece of captured memory. With a gentle, almost
imperceptible sigh, she placed it faced down at the head of the bed.



Then, with a voice that almost cried, she whispered my name.



"Mike. I."



"Shhh.", I politely interrupted her, knowing there was no need for
explanations or emotional utterances. I turned around, rested my weight
on the windowsill and looked at her intently. I made an effort to smile.



She moved towards me in a motion more purposeful than walking, yet
more graceful than running. We embraced so tight I could almost sense her
pain reaching out to mine. Still in my arms, I looked at her; her face
that inhabited my dreams for so long; her eyes that carried both
laughter and sadness; her hair that gladly cuddled each stroke of my hands.
My God, she was beautiful. I carefully etched these glimpses of her
beauty in my memory. I planted a kiss on her forehead, and proceeded to the
lips with slight hesitation. Her lips received mine with a passion that
opened a dam in my mind, overflowing it with sweet memories. The
yearning in my heart filled me with extreme sadness.



After the kiss-and still in my arms-she brought her hands to my face
and caressed it, like she has done a thousand times not so long ago. I
savored each and every loving touch, knowing I shall never dare to be
this intimate with her again.



Like falling leaves, her hands slid down my arms to reach for mine.
She held my hands up to her lips and slowly brought them down. Her
eloquent eyes gazed at me, searching my heart, as she gave me one last
smile-a sad smile that carried the weight of the surrounding silence. She
carefully turned around, walked to her luggage and headed out the
door-without once looking back. And those few seconds were to be the most
painful seconds of my life.



As soon as I heard the click on the door, I gradually swept my eyes
to the floor and then out of the window into the deep cloudless
night-now, mindful of the cold breeze, and noticing, almost for the first time,
the myriad of lights on the evening horizon, as they began to dim and
float on a sea of tears.

Remember, it may rain for 40 days and 40 nights, but still it will not rain
forever. One day the pouring will stop and there will be plenty of branches
where you can find rest. One of these is where you will build your nest and
start over again. It's never too late. Remember, you may find love and
lose it but "WHEN LOVE DIES,YOU NEVER HAVE TO DIE WITH IT".
-----
But love did not die. So this does not apply to me. It may have been raining these past few days. But our love keeps us alive. I know deep inside he agrees with me.

Man is indeed the plaything of the gods. But I tell myself that I can go beyond that and make my own realities. Love is all powerful. It may not be enough for some people, but at the end of the day, it all boils down to who your heart aches for. I keep my sanity in a bottle so I would be able to sort the alternatives carefully and rationally. I do love him. And he does love me. I believe that this love is great enough to transcend all obstacles. M is not the answer to one's problems. Given the situation, his obligation is toward the gift that is forming. Not its bearer. I pray that he is able to think more prudently on this matter, because nobody really has to get hurt. There is way that will be satisfactory for everyone involved. Every night, I call out to the heavens for God to bless us all with happiness. It is not too far, if only he can see it.

It is not a battle. Neither is it a struggle. It is an acceptance of reality with one's head high. And it does not have to hurt.

I will not allow you to sink into oblivion without taking me with you. If it's your problem, then it's mine, too. I feel insulted by your thinking that I cannot handle whatever it is you're experiencing right now. I CAN. For our sake, I CAN. So stop being so cowardly and let's do this together. Don't worry too much. Smile. I'll be home soon.