My relationship with Animator has taken a rather mature turn. And I'm happy with the way it's developing into something that allows each of us to excel in our respective professions. He's back and he's not. It's a weird setup only he and I welcome; holding onto the ultimate anchor that we do love each other and nothing has changed. I am proud of what we have become as artists and individuals in that one or two weeks we decided to be apart. [Sabi ko na nga ba patay na patay ka sa akin eh! haha!]

Now comes the tricky part. The entire Doctor clan will be in Manila on March 27. And I do not mean just my immediate family. I mean my uncles, my grandparents, my cousins, their talking dolls and all imaginary friends. They will be armed with the feign hostility (because they're really sweethearts once you get to know them; they just like scaring the shit out of people), wicked and disgusting sense of humor, sticky palms (as they are suckers for pretty roadside plants, the green-thumbed cheapskates!), a jar of Davao Dencia's tokwa't baboy for me and barrels of love.

Yes, the counter-attack has begun. Expect my family to show up in full force.

Playing with Fire, Burns
written in the 2nd quarter of 2003

"I wonder how you still feel about me," he said.

But she never budged. The only thing that swirled around her head was the want for sleep. She has not had any decent ones lately. And the concept of post-coital slumber was too good to pass up. Besides, she did not even know his name. She used to, you know. With that endearing smile that always went with it whenever it rolled out her tongue.

That was then.

Now, she was fighting sleep; supposing that he was paying for the hours consumed. She should, at least, show a sign of attentiveness. Of interest. That was the best she could do to acknowledge the amazing fuck of two minutes back.

"Three things come to mind when you ask me that,”"she replied with feign alertness. "Friendship. Compassion. Concern." She knew those were not hitting the mark, but she could not find the right words. "Really, I don’t know. I don’t at all."

She turned her back to him, trying to avoid his eyes, not liking the way they searched hers. Her eyes were bad liars, and she could not let the deception unravel at that time. Somebody had to pay for the bill so she should be nice. Patronizing, at least. Because that small piece of paper definitely would not be landing in her hands.

"I love you." He almost cried.

A voice inside her head jolted her from idleness. It choked.

So what has been up with me?

I have gotten accustomed to Animator's absence. I guess this is really the best way to go for both of us. He's getting more work done and I'm taking in more writing stints. Maybe love really did hinder our respective careers. Perhaps it wasn't the inspirational factor we both needed to advance in our crafts.

But the truth remains that the love is alive. And no, no matter what he says about being selfish for not wanting me to see other people, hence, he pushes me to go date around, I'm not going anywhere. I am standing my ground, albeit a few dinners and chats with members of the opposite sex, until he comes around, or, yet, his work picks up. For the record, I am not actively looking for a new boyfriend. I currently have one, only he is in a weird state right now and has no capacity to think rationally. [I know you read my blog, hehe]

On to other things...

I have begun a column in a Davao-based start-up newspaper, the name of which I am not at liberty to go gallivanting around just yet. I expect my first article to appear next week. I pray the publication flies soon, so the money can start flowing in. I have agreed not to be paid for the pieces I write for the meantime; it's the least I can do for leaving my hometown to pursue a stressful life in Manila. My parents will be proud. [Thanks to Athens]

Soon, I will also be maintaining and writing in a section at a website dedicatedly solely for Pinoy lawyers. I was told it will be launched in mid-2004 so I'm really excited about it. No, I will not be talking about legal advice and all the technicalities that go with lawyer-dom [I do not have a law degree on my back; only a quasi-BA in Political Science]. My section will be on the lighter side of the warpspeed profession. [Thanks She]

I am still employed with FT. And I do still write for the broadsheet from time to time. If anyone asks, I am still accepting writing jobs for those who want my services *wink*wink!

Now this is what I mean by letting work consume you. A person tends to get richer in the abscence of a romantic relationship.

But is it worth the price?

It can suck you dry, I tell you.

That's what the lure of career does. It turns people into stone and simple goals into great, impossible feats. Emotions take the back seat and there's never room for tears. Facing it requires mastery of keeping one's face still amid a mass of despair.

It demands that people cease being content, hence, strive for something farther than they had been equipped and prepared to reach. Inebriating. Blinds you of the things you should appreciate and be thankful for, encouraging to cultivate greed and selfishness. To believe that the so-called sacrifice is heroic enough to feed your hunger for achievement, for money, and, ultimately, for that thing you almost always mistakenly refer to as self-worth.

And you will be rich in the end. And you will get everything you thought you wanted and dreamed.

But you will still feel discontented, I assure you. Because with the greatness reached comes the want for more daring and extreme heights. So the cycle begins once again.

Choose life. Or choose living.

There are only two options. There is never an in-between.